I hate that I have to blog without pictures, but check sweetsleep and facebook if you want to see a few.

I don't really have time to blog much tonight, but I just wanted to let you know that I am alive and well and so beyond happy to be here. This trip couldn't have been more perfect so far. I am in love.

We spent the entire day here at the compound with the kids. We've done a lot of singing, some arts and crafts, painted some fingernails, played duck, duck, goose, more singing, coloring, games and more singing. These kids are incredibly beautiful, sweet, funny, and mostly just desperate for attention.

There are a few that you can tell are emotionally traumatized. There is a 13-year-old that will be having a baby in a month and a half. I don't think her trauma started with the earthquake. There are little babies that walk around mostly naked. There is a little boy pushing around a walker because apparently when the quake hit his legs were stuck in a full split and his hip was badly injured. There is a little boy whose mom sent him out for groceries on the day of the quake and when he came back in he found both parents dead. He wandered around doing whatever he could to survive for a few days until he was picked up and taken to the hospital. That's how he ended up here.

For the most part, a lot of the kids seem perfectly normal. Yes, they want to be loved and touched and held. So do my kids. They fight for attention and want to be at the front of the line when we're passing stuff out. So would mine. They can sing and dance their hearts out just like mine. And yet they have witnessed unspeakable tragedy and massive loss. Their world has been permanently altered. There is no chance of them forgetting about the quake and moving on with their lives like the rest of us will tend to do.

Yesterday afternoon, there was a boy named John who came and sat next to me at one point. I was holding a little 4-year-old girl at the time, but he was content to just sit by me. He's really quiet and has a beautiful smile. He smiles at me whenever I smile at him, but other than that he sort of has a sad, withdrawn look about him.

As he was sitting there, he kept getting closer and closer. Eventually he put his arm around my waist. He was sitting so still. I almost started to feel weird about it since he was older. And suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks that he is Brad's age. What does Brad do when he is sad or upset about something? He wants to snuggle with me. He wants to sit quietly with his arm around me. He just wants to know I'm there and that I'm going to take care of him and love him. I was overwhelmed with the idea that I was filling in for John's mommy. Such a poor substitute, but at the moment I was the best he could find. I squeezed him so tight and we just sat there for a long time.

John has become my bud. I'll post his picture on Facebook so you can see him. But we're pretty tight. He's not always with me, but sooner or later he ends up next to me.

Today the mammas decided to do our hair in braids. Unfortunately you can see that picture on Facebook as well. But while mine was getting done, John stood patiently holding my massive hair out of the way so it could get braided. He barely says a word, but when it was done he smiled at me and said "jolie," which means he thought it was pretty. There are no words.

Tonight I had the unspeakable privilege of rocking a baby to sleep while participating in an all-out praise fest. The kids were singing praises to our Jesus in a language I couldn't understand but the meaning was printed all over their face.

How can they be so thankful? How do they know how to worship like this in the midst of unspeakable circumstances? Why do I hold so much back when I have been blessed beyond anything I could ever hope to deserve?

Tomorrow is Sunday. We'll be driving an hour or so to Pastor Moises' church. He found out this week that his 8-yr-old son had been killed when they finally pulled his body out of the rubble. The church is completely demolished, yet we'll be worshipping outside next to it with his congregation. Again, no words.

We have to get up super early, and I'm already anticipating being awakened by the same demon-possessed roosters that serenaded me when this day began, so I'll sign off for now.

Please keep praying. Not just for us. Pray for Haiti. The work is overwhelming. There were heavy rains today that flooded several villages in the south. This is not good news.

Love to you all.

It's 2:15. Meredith is supposed to be here to get me in an hour. I just finished getting everything ready, so the question of whether or not I should sleep became moot a while back. I know I would have just been awake in bed anyway, so it probably doesn't matter. I never seem to sleep under these circumstances.

There are so many thoughts swirling through my head about what the next week will hold. There are so many unknowns. There are quite a few fears, some larger than others. Mostly, though, there is an indescribable joy over what I'm about to get to do.

Many of you have been walking with me on a journey lately. Lots of us have described a feeling of restlessness, of feeling like God is up to something and not being exactly sure what it is. I know that I have been relentlessly pounded over the past several weeks with the message of the cost of discipleship. Over and over, I hear Jesus telling me that He requires everything from me, not just the parts that are easy or safe to give. I have spent a lot of time reading Katie's blog and sitting in awe over the faith in action of someone virtually half my age. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to put mine in gear.

One thing God is teaching me. He did not call me to be comfortable. He did not bless me with so much in order for me to simply add it to my inventory. Like the parable of the talents, He expects a return on his investment. It's time to get radical, and I can't wait.

I am desperate your prayers for me and the rest of the team over the next week. I fully expect to be overwhelmed with what I see and experience. I fully expect to want to scoop up dozens of orphans and bring them home. (Don't worry - I know better.) I fully expect an onslaught of attack from a ruthless enemy. I fully expect God to require more from me than ever before. Don't stop praying for me when we are safely back in the U.S. I feel that will just be the beginning.

I'll blog when I can, but it may not get fully fleshed out until I'm back. If you don't see anything here, click on the link to Sweet Sleep for updates from the team.

Love to you all,

LA :)

Weekend in Pics

We Made It!

Long before Haiti came up, Jeff and I had planned a weekend trip to Gatlinburg. Thanks to a fabulous mother-in-law, we were able to leave the city kid-free. It took longer to get out of town this morning than we had hoped. The CDC issued a recommendation that all travelers to Haiti get the typhoid vaccine. It has to be in your system for a week, so we rearranged things this morning to include a trip to the doctor. We finally got away a little before lunchtime and now we are all settled in to our cozy little cabin.

We just had some time with God, thanking Him for this time away and asking Him to help us forget everything else for a couple of days and rest. Stress will be there when we get back. But for now...

These are the folks I'm heading to Haiti with in eleven days. It's a great team, and I'm really excited about having the chance to serve alongside them.

I will admit that I am more anxious about this trip than my previous ones, probably for obvious reasons. I specifically want to ask for prayer for these things:

Our health. There is some nasty stuff going around down there, not to mention the normal threat of malaria and intestinal issues from the conditions we're shocking our bodies with.

Our travel. We are flying out at 6 a.m. on the 25th. That means I have to be at the airport at 4, which means we have to leave here about 3:15. I know that I won't sleep that night, so I anticipate that it's going to be a really long day. We'll be flying to Miami and then the Dominican, where we'll spend the night. Then we're going to board a bus at 4 a.m. and drive for six hours to Port-au-Prince. Hopefully it won't be as bad as it sounds, but I'm envisioning the bus rides through Third World countries I've seen in movies and on TV, so I'm thinking there won't be much sleeping going on there either.

Our attitudes. Lack of sleep usually doesn't improve anyone's personality. So please pray that when we arrive at that orphanage we will have a supernatural infusion of energy and be ready to love on those kids as soon as our feet hit the dirt.

Other than that, please just pray for our general spiritual and physical protection. I'm sure I'll have more requests as time goes on, but this is a great place for you to start. Jen Gash left for the Dominican today, and she's heading to Port-au-Prince tomorrow. Please say a prayer for her safety as well.

Thank you, friends!

Giving Till it Hurts

One day late last week Bailey and I were having lunch at Cici's Pizza. As we were stuffing ourselves with mac n' cheese pizza and cinnamon rolls, an elderly woman walked up to our table and handed me two pens wrapped in a rubber band with a note that said, "I am a deaf mute. I am selling these items for $2."

My first instinct? Hand them back to her and politely say, "No, thank you." My second thought, "Isn't management going to do something about this?"

As she walked away, Bailey asked me, "Mommy, what did that note say?" Right then, I knew I had blown it.

I explained to Bailey that the lady was poor and was basically asking for money. She looked at me with an incredulous expression and said, "Well, aren't we going to give her some?"

You see, my daughter isn't old enough to be cynical. It doesn't occur to her to wonder what someone will do with the money you give them. She doesn't think about things like welfare that are designed to help people like that. She heard a sweet old lady ask for money, and she watched me send her away.

As my heart grew tighter and tighter in my chest, I had the vantage point of watching the lady walk to each table and get quietly rejected over and over again.

Feeling like I needed to salvage the moment, I began digging in my purse to see what I had that I could give. My choices were a $10 bill and the 75 cents I had in my change purse. I actually said, "I wish I had some smaller bills, but I guess this is better than nothing." I handed Bailey the 75 cents and watched her gleefully and excitedly wind her way through the tables to give to this woman. She knows what it means to be a cheerful giver. Clearly, I don't.

I have thought about this so much over the last few days. I'm reading "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan, and this past week he described a characteristic of lukewarm Christianity. He said, "Lukewarm people give money to charity and to the church... as long as it doesn't impinge on their standard of living. If they have a little extra and it is easy and safe to give, they do so." And later, "Lukewarm people are thankful for their luxuries and comforts, and rarely consider trying to give as much as possible to the poor."

I think of myself as a pretty generous person. Jeff and I give to many different charities, and when needs arise that we are made aware of, we are quick to write a check. And yet, what good did all that generosity do for this woman that dared to approach me while I was eating my lunch?

Here I am ready to go to Haiti and give in this very public and almost glamorous way. But when Jesus privately approached my table and asked, I sent Him away. Unfortunately it wasn't completely private. My daughter was watching.

Why did I hold on to that $10 as if I needed it? Better yet, why didn't I ask her if she was hungry and offer to buy her a $5 lunch buffet in the very place she was standing? The thought that I gave her 75 cents literally makes me sick to my stomach as I write. How utterly selfish.

I believe that God was testing me last week. I can choose to now beat myself up over failing the test, or I can see it as it was intended. I believe if I had thought all of this through before the lady walked up to my table, I would have given her the 10 bucks and bought her lunch. But because I hadn't made the decision to live a lifestyle of generosity, when the time came for a split decision I completely missed the boat. I think God was pointing something out to me that needs to change.

I'm praying now that every day He will give me an opportunity to give. I pray I have that chance today. This time I will be ready.

What about you?

"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'"

Forget Hollywood... I'm Going to Haiti!

Over the past 48 hours, the Lord has completely rocked my world. A trip that was only on my radar peripherally a couple of days ago has suddenly become a reality in a very short time.

I will spare you the lengthy details, but the nutshell is that I am joining a team from our church that is partnering with Sweet Sleep and Global Orphan Project. We will be leaving three weeks from yesterday, heading to an orphan compound outside of Port-au-Prince. The orphanage housed 75 orphans before the earthquake and now has over 200. By the time we get there, that number could be as high as 500. The folks in charge of this compound are literally getting calls every day to come and pick up more kids. It is an overwhelming task.

Our team will spend four days with the orphans, doing whatever we are asked to do. Mostly we'll be entertaining them and attempting to minister to their sweet hearts that have been permanently altered by the events of the past several weeks. So any ideas for entertaining a big group of kids are definitely welcome!

There are many uncertainties about this trip, not the least of which is where we will actually be sleeping. Right now there's a good chance that will be outside. You may not know this about me, but I'm not much of a camper. I'm not a complete girly-girl, but the idea of sleeping among the things that might be creeping around the ground in Haiti at night is something I just have to compartmentalize if I'm going to be able to do it. But I keep telling myself, this is these kids' reality. If they can do it, then I better just suck it up and get over myself.

The way this has come about is so random that it can be none other than the hand of God. I believe I am supposed to be on this trip. I have no idea why, but I know I can trust Him. I feel like a rubber band that He has been steadily stretching a little tighter over the past few years. It seems like he's chosen now to pull me towards that next peg. I pray that I am up for the challenge.

I know that many of you have already given generously to Haiti. So please don't feel solicited. But I am attempting to raise a certain percentage of the funding for this trip. If you feel led to help, you can write a check to Brentwood Baptist Church and put "Haiti trip" and my name in the memo line. Mail the check to Brentwood Baptist Church, c/o Jamie Bennett, 7777 Concord Road, Brentwood, TN 37027. She will put it towards my costs. Thank you in advance for prayerfully considering if God wants you to be a part of this.

Most of all, I covet your prayers. This is a journey into unknown territory for me. It is way out of my comfort zone. I know the Enemy is already formulating schemes designed to distract me from the purpose at hand. I ask that you pray for protection over our team in every way: physical, emotional and spiritual. I have no doubt that what I am about to encounter is going to break my heart, and I promised Jeff that I wouldn't come home an emotional wreck this time. :)

Until then, let me astound you with my mad Creole skills:

Jezi rinmin ou. Babay!

(Jesus loves you. Good-bye!)

Some friends called today to see if we wanted to meet them for sledding at a local elementary school. We decided to brave the slush and ice and headed out for some free family entertainment!

Jay took Brad and Bailey down on the Strother Family toboggan. Bailey screamed all the way down. So glad he's used to a house full of girls! After their lesson, they were ready to go solo...

By the time we got there, the bottom of the hill was pretty muddy, but nobody seemed to care.

They must have done this thirty times!

Even Bryant and Daddy went for a ride.

Bryant got off and said, "That was the best!" But he was completely satisfied with one time only.

So even though church services were cancelled today, our preacher still got to teach my kids some life lessons. I'm pretty sure this is one they won't forget. :)

Winter Wonderland

Last night the precipitation turned over into a sleet/freezing rain mixture, so there is a thin layer of ice over everything. It's impossible to make snowballs or snowmen, but it's not often we get to sled around here. The kids are freezing but having a blast! More pics to come...

Snow Day!

I decided to pull yesterday's blog post. My apologies to those of you who read it. I was feeling very antagonistic towards the President yesterday morning in the SOTU aftermath, and it all spewed out like bile. Sometimes I forget that's not who I am anymore.

What a perfect day to remember that He washes white as snow. :)

This is Megan Stephens. She's a recent graduate of Belmont University, and currently serving in Siliguri, India as a teacher to a missionary family's 15-year-old daughter. I had the privilege of meeting her on Tuesday morning and enjoying a nice 2 1/2 hour breakfast at Cracker Barrel hearing her share her story. It was pure joy to sit and share my love for India with someone who understands. She is headed back there this afternoon, and I can't help but be a little jealous...

Even though she's not serving in Hyderabad, Megan had the chance to visit there last October and attend a youth festival that was hosted by Baptist Church Hyderabad. Here is an excerpt from an e-mail I got from my dear friend Chuckoo about that day...

Leigh Ann, October 2nd event was a huge conference, and on that day I just gathered all my senses to witness what God was doing through the ordinary youth group in Hyderabad. Earlier when the sun rose that day there was a continuous heavy downpour and everything was getting damp... But deep within us there was a hope that the rain would stop, but our hope was not even the size of mustard seed...

When the clock struck 9, there were hardly 15 people in the sanctuary. I was dumbstruck to see that and could not even question myself looking at the situation. The food was prepared, the arrangements were made, but the downpour was still on.

Later, the rain grew intense but people started to come. They got drenched, but they kept coming. Their feet got wet, but not the path, and within 2 hours the whole sanctuary was filled with young people from all over the state. There were more than 90 churches that participated in the concert, and the registrations were more than 5000.

I realized that my faith was to stop the rain, and the Lord showed me that even rain cannot stop His people. We served a delicious Biryani to all the participants. For the first time we hired a ground to serve them food...

We promised to give the first 2000 registrants a free t-shirt and a free 2gb pen drive. While distributing, there was almost a stampede, but we could control it. It was a leap of faith for me to see the providence of God. Because, as I told you, the church did not give the funds for the youth, and all the burden was on Pastor David to raise such a huge amount. Initially our estimated budget was only Rs. 800,000/-, but the Lord has given us more than Rs.1,200,000/-

There's more, but that's enough for a good snapshot of how God worked through my friends to make a huge impact in the city of Hyderabad that day. It should also give you a glimpse of why I love these people so much.

Anyway, my new friend Megan had the opportunity to be there for that event, and in turn fell in love with the same people who have so captured my heart. She ended up going back there for a couple of weeks in December and spending a lot of quality time with them. Chuckoo and his mom went shopping before she left and sent back some gifts with her for me and my family. I'll take some pictures of the kids in their Indian garb and get them on here. The dress for Bailey is unbelievably gorgeous. Looks like she'll be wearing Indian for the second Easter in a row!

I sent back some things with Megan, but I have no idea how long it will be until they arrive. She has to ship them from Delhi when she gets there. I wish more than anything I could deliver them in person. We are currently praying for God to show us a way if He wants us back there. We've formulated a few plans, but lots of prayer is needed to know if He has the same plans. I'm daydreaming about being there for this year's youth conference. We shall see...

I swear this was not staged...

It's Not About Me

There was something about my post yesterday that bothered me all day, but I couldn't figure out what it was. I kept thinking over what I had written, but could never put my finger on it. And then it occurred to me in the middle of the night. This is not about me.

That fact should be readily obvious since I was nowhere near Haiti when a 7.0 earthquake unleashed the gates of hell on a place it already resembled.

And yet there is something about human nature that makes us want to insert ourselves into tragedy. Whether this is for attention, out of empathy or just pure self-centeredness, I've observed it over and over again in myself and others.

In high school, there was a boy a few years older than me named Jon who had joined the military after graduating. We were all shocked to hear that he had been killed on base in some sort of boiler explosion. High-schoolers tend to be fairly dramatic anyway, but when a peer dies everything escalates.

I have a clear memory of a girl turning around in Spanish class and showing me a picture of herself that had been taken with Jon a few years before. She was carrying it around and showing it to people to make sure they knew that she had known him and she had proof. I remember thinking how strange that was at the time. But perhaps there was a part of me that just wished I had a picture of my own.

For me to take what happened in Haiti and turn it into a way to feel sorry for myself is absurd. There are hundreds of thousands of people either dead or suffering in unimaginable ways. They are the ones that deserve our concern. It is wrong for me to attempt to steal even an ounce of compassion that belongs to them.

I'm sure some of you thought this as you read, you were just too polite to say so. Sweet Dana even felt compelled to defend me, something I so appreciate but do not deserve. I love you for it.

So at the risk of this turning into Pity Party II, which is definitely not my intent, I'm going to turn that self-absorbed energy outward and do something about it. I had already sent in a contribution to World Vision, but somehow it doesn't seem enough in the wake of what God has shown me today.

I've decided to try again. I hope and pray that Wadson is still alive. If we find out that he is, we will be much better sponsors from here on out. He will hear from us and know who we are, that we love him and pray for him.

But I've also decided to start completely fresh. Today, Bailey and I are going to pick out a little girl from India to sponsor through Compassion International. I realize that might sound weird to pick India over Haiti, but not if you know my story. Bailey has been begging to adopt a sister from there for a long time, and we should have done this long ago. I know it's not the same as bringing a child into our home, but it is certainly a good start.

You can also contribute to the Haiti cause through Compassion International here.

Another wonderful place to contribute if you aren't familiar with them is an organization called Sweet Sleep. They are committed to building beds and providing bedding materials to orphans around the world. I have a permanent link on the right to their blog.

Times like these are perfect for showing the world who Jesus is. Our compassion and prayers should be directly focused on healing for the Haitian people, physical, emotional and spiritual. The work in Haiti is never going to end. It's up to us to show them that the same is true of the love of God.

**UPDATE**

Bailey had I had wonderful fun scrolling through the waiting children in India on Compassion's website. We have chosen a beautiful girl named Gayathri. I would post her picture, but I don't seem to have access to it at the moment, so I guess I'll have to wait until we get our packet in the mail sometime in the next two weeks. We are both so excited and can't wait to start corresponding with her!

As a side note, if you are interested in sponsoring a child, I would definitely go through Compassion. Everything I have seen about them leads me to believe that they make it very easy to have a real relationship with your child. World Vision thrives in other areas, but I don't think sponsorship is their biggest strength.

This is Wadson. He was born on March 14, 1999, the day before my oldest child. He is one of seven children living with his parents in extreme poverty in the country of Haiti. And I have no way of knowing whether he is alive or dead.

We began sponsoring Wadson in 2003, when he was four years old. We chose him because he was almost exactly the same age as Bradley, and he is sponsored in Bradley's name. His picture sits on the side of my refrigerator, next to the Joey's Pizza magnet, hovering above the K-cup turnabout. I rarely think about him, except for the occasions when my eyes pass over his picture and I breathe a quick prayer for his day.

I haven't been the best sponsor. I receive his yearly report and picture with joy, and Brad and I enjoy reading over it together. We have been faithful to send in our monthly pledge for the past 6 1/2 years. But in all that time I think we've only sent one letter and picture outside of the easy form ones World Vision provides. Primarily because of the slight inconvenience of finding the address and figuring out how it is I'm supposed to go about it. It's just not been a top priority.

But for the past two days I haven't been able to stop thinking about him. I'm stunned to think that he and his family may not have survived the terrible earthquake that has turned Haiti into a living hell. Reports of fatalities range anywhere from 50,000 to 500,000. That is a huge gap. But even if it is a mere 50,000 people lost, that is twice the number of people that live in my town. It's more than the population of nearby Franklin. Imagine if the entire city of Franklin were wiped out in an instant. We can't.

So, like many of you, I find myself driven to and away from the news reports in regular intervals. I seek it out, desperate for signs of hope that things are starting to get better, turned away by the images of suffering, chaos and death.

For the great majority of us, our first instinct is "What can I do?" We want desperately to play a part in relieving suffering. It is one of my favorite things about Americans, that we do respond so overwhelmingly when crises hit. Sadly, it is one of the few things that unifies us, though only for a brief period of time.

This overwhelming urge to help, to make things right, even in non-believers points directly to God. Our sense of what is good and right and fair comes from Him. We know this is not the way things were designed to be. We cry out to Him for mercy. How many prayers have been lifted for this long-ignored nation in the past three days, even by people who don't really know the One they pray to?

I am bothered by the millions of dollars our government is promising to Haiti, even though I realize that there is no way we could not. But our government is rocketing towards bankruptcy. What good is the promise of millions when we don't have it to share? In reality, that number most likely pales in comparison to the amount that individual citizens of this country and others have pulled out of their wallets and sent to Haiti on their own through various charities and organizations. This is my preference. Americans are very generous when faced with a grave need. We will rise to the occasion without the government's intervention.

So what do I do now? My inquiry into World Vision was answered exactly as I thought it would be. "When we know, we'll let you know." So I sit and wait, perhaps for weeks, wondering if this precious child that I've sponsored, and yet not truly loved, is alive. If he is, our sponsorship will become far more than sending a check each month. The life Wadson lives and the suffering he is accustomed to has suddenly become very real to us. If he is not, I will grieve. I will grieve because I could have done more for him while he was here. I could have been more than a check in the mail. I could have been a friend.

Bailey made a Mars Rover in Astronomy class today...
All school projects should be so edible! :)